How not to speak Italian

[GrossetoMan]

Treating my parents to a slap-up meal in a posh restaurant in Forte dei Marmi (aren't they all posh?), I thought I'd impress the waitress with my grasp of the language. After paying the bill, she pointed out I seemed to have left a €5 note behind..
My reply? Questa e' la mancia (This is the tip). Or at least that's how it should have come out.
What I ended up saying was: "Questa e' la minchia" . Which is a vulgar slang term for penis...

[Penny]

My husband's neighbour's elderly mother had been bed bound with bad legs for a week so when he saw the son he asked how his mother's "gamberi" were.

Prawns instead of "gambe" (legs)!! We all burst out laughing poor thing.

I have a real mental block with "camion"(lorry) and "camino" (chimney) which amused the girls I worked with at the estate agency no end.

[Ghianda]

After we had bought our house, and before we started work on the renovation, I used to spend a fair bit of time at the village circolo (Bar). I've never suffered from lack of confidence, and having studied French and German, assumed I had a natural flair for Italian too.

I remember explaining to my wife one day that I had just been speaking with the Harbour Master from La Spezia. About 18 months later (once we had arrived in the village to live) I found out that Luciano was in fact a carpenter and I'd got a bit confused over what "una porta" was.